Over three months ago, Ellie Grace came home. And life has not been the same since. I was thrown into instant motherhood through adoption, a blessing and a calling I have been dreaming about for years. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, but really I had no idea.
Motherhood guts you from the inside out. Fully. Completely. Totally rips your heart apart. When Ellie came home I knew I would watch her be transformed by love, but little did I know that I would be going through a major transformation as well.
Motherhood reveals the deepest, darkest, most ugly parts of your heart. When it’s 3am and the moon is shining bright, and you are wide awake with a screaming child who refuses to sleep, your first response isn’t to react with patience and understand. It’s easier to become frustrated and have a short temper. You say mean things and use strong words. You pace back and forth thinking of your wrongdoings of the day. You question your ability to parent and wonder what the heck you are doing. The ugly and the nasty parts of your heart surface in those moments and you live minute by minute. In those moments you have two choices, let those ugly heart parts continue to saturate your actions and thoughts, or pray for God to change them.
For the first few weeks of Ellie being home, I chose the first option. Ellie had a rocky transition due to extreme trauma and severe malnutrition. She had a very difficult time sleeping and eating, which caused me to become frustrated easily. My temper would be short and my fuse would be hot. I was exhausted in almost every minute of the day. I wouldn’t necessarily get mad at her, but the circumstances and situations I was facing. And the nasty parts of my heart would creep their way to the surface. I would feel guilty because of the way I reacted, which would affect my mood even further. “Mom guilt” is very very real. I felt negativity constantly buzzing around me and was not the happiest person to be around.
Then, I decided that I needed to chose the second option, to ask God to take the surfaced ugly parts of my heart and change them. In those moments when I was at the end of my rope, I chose to not react with frustration, but to cry out to God for help. For strength, and bravery, and energy to get through the long days and even longer nights. And over time, I felt my heart begin to change. I found myself having more patience than ever before, even when Ellie was refusing to eat more than a spoonful. I found myself speaking kind words, even when my head was pounding with annoyances. I found myself holding Ellie close and gazing deep into her eyes under the moonlight, even when she would wake up 15 times a night. My words changed, my actions changed, my relationships changed. When you ask God to take over every piece of your heart, He will. And He will surprise you with that He does. He took the ugliest corners of my heart and flipped them upside down. The hardened, sin soaked parts of my heart are being softened and molded into new paths to Him. His grace is given freely…but only if you accept it.
Ellie Grace, you have no idea the ways you are changing my life.