I’ve been living in Ghana now for almost 15 full months. Over a year ago I had a one way ticket in hand, stepping out in faith and into the complete unknown of moving indefinitely to Ghana. I had no idea what I was getting myself into at the time. If you told me all that I would walk through from moving day until now, I would not believe you for a second. The last 15 months have held more tears, heartbreak and brokenness than I ever thought I could handle. At moments it has felt like life was literally crashing down around me and I could do nothing about it. There is a lot that has not been shared on this blog, or on any form of social media whatsoever. Most of those chapters and experiences will not be shared publicly because I am not ready to share, or it is just kept between God and I. But I do want you to know this: it has been a hard last 6 months. It has been a hard 15 months. And through all the trials and tribulations, my heart has become a bit hardened. That is one of the most difficult things to admit, but here I am standing vulnerably and stating it.
In the last 6 months my heart has not broken over what it used to. If I heard stories of special needs mothers being ridiculed and mocked, I would tear up because I have been in similar situations with my Ellie. My soul would ache when I saw special needs children not being treated with love and compassion. Those intense feelings are what drove my passion and motivated daily actions. Those feelings still come around now, but it takes a lot to break through the hard outer exterior of my heart. Being put through gauntlets, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, has caused me to form an armor around my once tender heart. When you walk through pain that forces you into survival mode, it is very hard to get out of that way of living. It is hard to then allow other people’s struggles into your heart because you are focused on your own. It has been hard to live in Ghana and constantly see poverty and despair, when my own life and heart felt like it was crumbling. It felt like I couldn’t take on any one else’s problems because I was knee deep in the trenches dealing with my own. And I am not going to lie to you and say that all these issues are gone and I am back to my old self. I am not there yet. I am not on the other side of the mountain. I have, and will always be, a work in progress, molding and being shaped by the hands of our Maker.
My heart used to break for the hard things in my life, now I want my heart to once again break for the hard things in the lives of others.
My prayers used to be for strength to endure, now my prayers are for empathy to comfort.
I want a soft heart, one that listens to others and responds with grace, patience, and encouragement. I want the armor and walls around my current heart to be shattered, leaving behind no broken pieces. I know this process will take time, but I shall faithfully wait, standing here in Ghana, West Africa with an almost two year old on my hip and a thriving ministry. Break my heart for what breaks Yours.